the enmity, and explanations sans reason

It was like a curse, life itself, enmity between me and thee, and Original Sin, the due diligence, was still very much being meted out.

It was a beautiful morning this morning, temperate, but all the while i was thinking on the pure casual way i lost a family member some years back, least resistance  and all.

They had asked off the cuff for my opininion of things, why things happen, and i amazed them by saying no one had ever been able to explain life, but here i was, the one and only narrator  asked by an underpaid state employee, that immortal existential question.

And expected, just as much off the cuff, shooting from the hip, to explain all of life in the last five minutes of my session.

That i would be let go easy, i acknowledged some time ago.  They were more beholden to the wwe mcmahons and the nfl, cbs and nascar, than to me.  They were beholden such that if i explained the interconnections as i saw them, and may have actually however been accurate, to hold the narrative line, i would be prescribed strong medication to dull my brain.

They, knowing i was right, but holding the narrative line, would sacrifice me.

I know that and understand that, so i dont always give them my unfettered perceptions, but a tangential shading of my true thoughts.

I had another mind bending moment in dreamtime, dream representations of real places, and people, some not alive anymore and most strangely, i took the back room apartment of my shadow self, i luged through a maze.

I bought a soda.

I was changing my shirt.

I looked my shadow self in the eyes for a brief second, i at him, he at me.

Prior, i had been thinking of my rebelliousness of old, another kind of least resistance.  I remember once in a haze of menthol smoke i daydreamed about explaining good conduct to a group of local methodists.

In effect, i had, during my bad teenage years, made a christianity but i had no sight, no concept of the cross, having never much heard of gratitude to christ, or the proper staid indwelling of the spirit.

I had pulled into pieces, overbalanced into something untenable, i had prioritized a conduct line i couldnt maintain.  I had, with not the holy spirit, but a kind of demon coming forward, pushed at those limits such to break bones, and with the fasteners of the facility loosened, elapsed through that as if it were a sieve, and then floated absently in oblivion.

I had bulldozed through hundreds of unspoken judgements on my rebirthing and renewal of some theology that lacked objective principles, static figures that remained above reproach.

Im a calvinist and able to rhetorically explain and defend that;  God knows, regardless of whether or not you know.